Gifts for the crypto lovers in your life (that aren’t NFTs)

The holidays are here, but fear not — we’ve got a gift for every hard-to-buy-for HODLer in your life

OPINION
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Midjourney modified by Blockworks

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year — that “wonderful” misery you find yourself in as you frantically brainstorm thoughtful gifts for everyone in your life.

At least one of those people is into crypto (that’s why you clicked on this article, after all).

Maybe you have no idea where to start (“What is this bitcoin thing, anyway?”). Maybe you’ve already thought of the usual suspects: a hardware wallet (smart, but overdone), $25 worth of a random token sent to their wallet (well intentioned, but lazy and uninspired — the crypto version of a gift card), and an NFT (okay, but you’ll get decision fatigue from picking which one).

Either way, I’ve come up with a handful of options that are sure to bring a smile to their face, even if the markets take a tumble.

For the aspiring real estate mogul: 

Perusing Zillow used to be entertaining. But peeking at property prices these days has me weeping while I write another rent check (yes, a check). Instead of buying real property, give your loved one the gift of virtual real estate. Get them in on the ground floor of metaverse development. It’s more original than an acre on the moon, and at the very least it’ll probably be a first at your family festivities.

For the person who read every word of Blockworks’ SBF trial coverage:

They followed Sam Bankman-Fried’s trial from afar. Now, give them a piece of the action. Plane tickets to New York City and a few nights at a hotel are all they need to attend his sentencing hearing currently scheduled to start March 28, 2024.

(You might also need to gift a sleeping bag or collapsible lawn chair so they’re cozy and comfortable while they wait for a seat in the courtroom at 3 am.)

For the one that takes musical theater a little too seriously:

Speaking of New York, take your friend or family member to Broadway for the world’s first musical all about crypto. Rather originally dubbed “Crypto: The Musical,” the show is described as having “the comedy of Book of Mormon, the heart of Legally Blonde, the realism of Hamilton.” A tall order.

For the low, low price of $1,000 in USDC or USDT, you too can reserve 1 VIP ticket. The troupe is planning to make its Broadway debut in the spring of 2024.

For the one decorating for the holidays on Nov. 1:

This bitcoin ornament will help their tree sparkle a bit brighter for years to come.

For the self care-obsessed:

They’ve probably been to a spa before, but have they been to a day spa powered by Bitcoin

Bathhouse, located in Brooklyn, regulates the temperature of its thermal pools with byproduct heat from bitcoin miners. A day pass is $45-$70 and includes access to multiple Bitcoin-heated pools, saunas, steam rooms and a heated hammam. They also offer massage services.

Few things are better than unwinding in a vat of bitcoin juice.

For the page turner:

Skeptic musings, historical takes on SBF, and crypto smut: You’ve got plenty of options to choose from. The highlights:

  • Zeke Faux’s Number Go Up. An investigative reporter’s take on crypto. A skeptic of the crypto space, Faux starts the book off: “From the beginning, I thought that crypto was pretty dumb. And it turned out to be even dumber than I imagined.” Our opinion editor couldn’t put it down.
  • How the FTX Bankruptcy Unwound Crypto’s Very Bad Good Guy, by Brady Dale. A crypto history, focused on the tale of Sam Bankman-Fried prolific rise to Bahamas-penthouse stardom and subsequent tumble to despised industry villain. 
  • Going Infinite. Yet another postmortem of the FTX catastrophe, albeit one much more favorable to Bankman-Fried. Our opinion editor had some choice words for Michael Lewis’ SBF bootlicker prose.
  • My First Crypto Sex Party. Yes, the crypto erotica crossover your gift recipient has been waiting for. I would imagine the audience for this 27 page-book by Honey Justine is pretty limited, but who am I to judge? 

For the HODLrs who wants to evolve into their final form:

Can you imagine unwrapping anything more exciting than a subscription to Blockworks Research? (I’m a company woman, what can I say?) For the day traders of crypto, this is the gift that keeps on giving. Access to in-depth reports written by some of the brightest minds in crypto? Sign me up!

For your buddy who’s iced up: 

Diamonds are a degen’s best friend. There’s no shortage of crypto inspired jewelry out there, but this Crypto Punk necklace is a not-so-subtle nod to their fat bag and Web3 interests. (There’s also a cubic zirconia option if you’re looking for something a bit cheaper — no judgment, this cycle has been hard on all of us.)

For your friend at the office:

Socks. A tried and true classic. A little impersonal, but can you really go wrong with Ethereum socks? Nothing wrong with sticking to the basics.

Alternatively, give them SOCKS, an ERC-20 token that can be burnt to redeem an actual pair of socks. Only 315 SOCKS are still in circulation, going for a mere $35,000 a pair — you could give them the rarest (and most expensive) pair of socks they’ll ever own.



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