Do you bleed enough BTC to pay $55 for Brooklyn’s bitcoin spa?

Forget caffeine, tobacco and any other stimulants the normies might be into. Nothing gets you going like the thrill of the shill. You’re not a whale, but you aspire to be. Your free time is spent instigating fights with ETH maxis on Crypto Twitter and praying the bottom is in. You bleed bitcoin.

And now you can level up your passion for the space and take a dip in water that, as far as I’m concerned, is from the Fountain of Youth: Bath water warmed by the blood, sweat and tears of hard-working bitcoin miners.

Oh no, this is no joke. Bathhouse in Brooklyn (a bathhouse in Brooklyn) is keeping its pools nice and toasty thanks to its bitcoin mining operation. 

Heat is a byproduct of the computing power required to mine bitcoin. The spa uses heat exchangers to transfer the heat from their ASICs to the water, according to Bathhouse. As water cools, it is circulated back to the miners to be warmed up again. Recycling at its finest.

The spa shared details of its joint mining-heating operation on social media this week, and some of their patrons were less than enthused, calling the project “unhinged,” “off-putting” and “so cringe.”

To be frank, get rekt. It’s bitcoin juice. If I lived in New York, I’d buy the $55 day pass just to drink the stuff. It’s just as silly to spend time worrying about these miners’ environmental and financial impact as it is to heat your pools with bitcoin in the first place.

But heating pools in Brooklyn isn’t the only way to make full use of your miners. Hey, I get it. Not everyone is a big public pool person. But the opportunities to maximize your miners’ true potential are only limited by the scope of your creativity. 

White noise machine — Having trouble sleeping? Look no further than the trusty Antminer. The incessant squeaking from a nearby train yard has me tossing and turning all night. I could run a rig on my bedside table, right next to my casual bedtime read — War and Peace. The constant din would give me some of the deepest REM cycles of my life.

I’d also imagine that a miner will work wonders lulling your fussy infant to sleep. Added benefit: The mechanical vibes will be right at home in the ever-popular cyberpunk-themed nursery.

Your favorite veggies, year round — Set up a few miners in your greenhouse, and the heat thrown by these suckers could take your little radishes to new heights. Your neighbors will start asking for your secret, and you can tell them the truth: “A little satoshi here, a little bitcoin there.”

Air Bitcoin — You’re reclined in first class, sipping on a glass of champagne. The plane engine, albeit loud, is moving you along at 500 miles an hour. You’re pondering your in-flight movie options. Should you go with a classic? They do have your favorite, the 2004 smash hit Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. The person assigned to the seat next to you never showed up, and you have all the legroom you could want. 

Someone gently taps you on the shoulder, must be the flight attendant. You slide the silky face mask off of your eyes, and surprise! You’re not going to Bali. You’re in your living room, sitting in a lawn chair, clutching a sweating bottle of Miller Lite. The calming hum of the airplane you were enjoying just moments ago? Mining rigs, making your in-flight fantasies a reality.

No-no Ma — Tired of your neighbor kid practicing Für Elise on the cello? Point a couple of miners in the right direction, and show that kid who’s the real neighborhood noisemaker.

A quick list, but talk about real-world use cases! I’m starting to think you could use the heat to power an at-home foot spa. Frying an egg is a solid option, albeit uninspired. Maybe I’ll try jumping rope with the extra long cables? Through bitcoin, all things are possible.

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